Is a Relationship At Any Cost Worth the Price?
Posted: Saturday, October 18, 2008
by Alisa Miller
http://alisa-miller.com
We live, for better or worse, in a time where we are bombarded with images of seemingly perfect relationships and seemingly perfect lives. I say seemingly because the divorce statistics and the number of couples where one partner goes on to have an affair are on the increase.
With almost half the marriages ending up in divorce and at least 50% of all relationships failing within one to three years we need to ask whether the attitude that we should be in a relationship otherwise we are not conforming to the norm is really the right one to take. Let's examine what's at stake for a moment. The moment we get into a relationship that is not really wrong but does not feel right we have entered a trap which has been created by ourselves.
We have all been conditioned to be nice. Splitting up, under any circumstances not only is it not nice but it entails a tremendous emotional, psychological and financial upheaval that few are prepared to undertake. Thus the trap is set and sprang. We then find ourselves becoming one of those couples who are in a relationship which will not die and will not recover, doomed to try to find ways to get through time.
The set up reminds me a little of the Meat Loaf song Paradise By the Dashboard Light where the two people involved get married upon a promise given in the heat of the moment and then can do nothing more than wait until "the end of time" so each can be free of the other. While the song exaggerates a situation based more on the principles of the 60s and 70s than today it is still not that far from the truth.
We get into relationships because we still feel it is expected of us to have one in order to be seen as being happy and successful in today's world. We stay in them because we do not have the courage to be honest with ourselves and admit that something is wrong with your relationship and we only get out only when circumstances force us to re-evaluate our situation and understand exactly what is happening to us and what we have allowed ourselves to get into for so long.
All of this begs the question of course. Is having a relationship worth any price? The moment you ask yourself this question you need to answer in complete honesty just what you consider the price to be. No relationship is plain sailing and even the most compatible of people need to work at their relationship to each other in order to make it work. However, there is a big difference between having to work at your relationship in order to make sure you both are and continue to remain happy and having to constantly work just so you keep your relationship ambling along. The former is an inevitable part of having a relationship the latter is most definitely not.
If you find yourself constantly having to compromise, constantly having to back down and self-efface who you are just so you remain in your relationship then the price you are paying is high indeed. You are sacrificing your happiness for the sake of someone else. The sad thing is that in all likelihood they are not happy either. In trying to make them and keep them happy you most probably are failing to give them what they most need.
I know this sounds like a contradiction in terms but it isn't. Relationships are made by little details. The freshly cut rose on the table at breakfast, the cookies and milk enjoyed together at midnight, the walk in the rain without an umbrella and the light, clandestine touching of hands in a formal setting in a crowd. These details to happen require a complete ease and honesty between two people which, if lacking, makes it impossible to experience a relationship in this light. So all that's left then is the practical arrangement of two people living and sleeping together and a sense that on a certain level they understand each other. This may be something that's better than nothing but it's not a real relationship.
At best it's a ticking time bomb that's racing against time. Maybe, if it is ticking slowly enough, time will win. It will pass and accumulate and weigh the relationship down trapping it in the anticipation that a long past shared makes no sense to throw away on a whim. Sometimes, if one of the partners happens to meet someone who really clicks with them and makes them come alive, the relationship will end in bitterness, accusations and resentment. And sometimes it will simply fizz out. The two partners splitting up because they have grown so far apart there is no longer much point in staying together.
Whenever anything like this happens there is always a price to pay. The emotional wrench. The fact that much time has been wasted. And the inevitability that people have been badly hurt.
This is why it is so important to be open and honest with yourself in a relationship. To not take steps unless you are certain and to not be willing to get into a relationship simply because that will complete an image of perfection you have in your head. A relationship has to always be right in your heart. That is the fundamental. When that is right, everything else can be solved. When that is missing, wellthings may work out, but you are compromising and if you tell yourself you are happy, you are lying.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Wonderfully well-written article, Alisa. Far too many marriages and relationships are based on the wrong foundation and can't withstand the quakes that rattle those foundations.Thanks for sharing.And Welcome to searchwarp.SandraSandra thank you very much indeed for your kind words and welcome. This is a wonderful community and I look forward to exploring it fully.
Alisa
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