Alisa Miller

Why Do We Fight When We Are In a Relationship?



Posted: Thursday, January 15, 2009

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http://alisa-miller.com

Depending on who you choose to listen to a fight in a relationship tends to ‘clear the air', help ‘get things off one's chest' or may simply be ‘a sign that I care' but really none of these excuses really cuts any ice when you examine them a little critically.

Love, caring and affection have nothing to do with anger, yelling and (occasionally) physical abuse which brings us to the very obvious question: why does it then happen? Why do we argue? An argument is always a sign that things are wrong and the immediate cause of the argument has absolutely nothing to do with it at all.

When it comes to tracing why an argument has began I always counsel those I help to apply either the 20, 40, or 60 minute rule. This requires them to trace their argument back to 20, 40 or 60 minutes to the moment it started. This way they then are in a position to distance themselves from the flashpoint and begin to analyse the possible reasons the argument started.

When an argument breaks out between two people the reason behind it is very rarely linked to what has actually caused it the moment of conflagration and is more directly the result of stress, worry, fear and anxiety. For obvious reasons I discount here the element of one or even both of the partners no longer wanting to be in that relationship because that is a subject in its own right with huge trust and honesty issues involved.

So, we focus on the relationship that is ok, between two people who love each other and are committed to making it work. The moment an argument breaks out it causes hurt on both sides and feelings of frustration. It also, sometimes, allows tensions which may not be directly due to the relationship to work themselves out which is why we get the ‘clearing the air' and all the other nonsensical excuses I mentioned in the opening paragraph.

Provided you are able to take yourself back in time and retrace the events which have led to the argument in most cases you will be able to see that what has made the argument possible in the first place has nothing to do with your partner. It may be something which happened at work, it might be the state of the economy, worries over money, tension with a neighbour or even a change in the wind. The point is that by working through an argument like this you suddenly have the chance to better illuminate your own motives and way of thinking and the opportunity to suddenly stop external factors from ruining your relationship.

With this strategy each argument which breaks out suddenly becomes a golden opportunity to become another building block in a relationship which will withstand the test of time.

Alisa Miller is a relationship counselor and relationship author. Her articles on relationships and how to have the perfect marriage have appeared in newspapers and magazines all over the world. She is the author of the Ultimate Guide to the Perfect Relationship which is being translated into three languages and has been read by thousands all over the world. It can be ordered through Amazon or any good bookshop and it is available as an eBook from most quality online eBook outlets. She has written a guide on How to Talk to a Girl you Like  which is available to buy from every online eBook retailer as well as her own website, which she runs herself and which contains hundreds of articles with useful tips and advice. She admits that she spends more time online than she should.
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